The Fire Still Burns, Christopher

As I contemplate what's next, I feel blessed to have many options.  In many ways, yielding to Damon's financial acumen and committing myself to savings will prove to be a lifesaver.  Yes, I miss the income and know that we will have to tighten our belts until we move through this storm.  While I have a few job leads to pursue, I'm not sure that rushing to another job is the correct answer to what burns in my heart.  Today I am receiving a message to focus on the fire and to build from there.  What will soothe my spirit does not come from an external source.  It's an inside job.

Let me be completely honest here.  I have been greatly blessed to have had the privilege to make a career of loving gay men.  As a young outreach worker, I was tasked with providing HIV education and prevention services to gay men in San Bernardino County.  An area encompassing 22,000 square miles, my outreach territory included more conventional spots like the Gay and Lesbian Center, local gay bars, college campuses, etc.  But the most colorful parts of the job had me driving for hours and hours to find remote cruising spots in the Mojave Desert.  I remember this one guy who I'd meet for counseling in the bathroom of a Del Taco where he worked.  Every week, I'd provide HIV testing in a booth in one of our local adult book stores.  I was accountable for seeking out gay men, establishing rapport and relatedness, and getting enough into their world to provide them HIV prevention support.  Over a two year period, I recorded thousands of outreach contacts.  It is this work with gay men that cemented my commitment to my community.  How fortunate I have been to have my vocation and my avocation be one and the same.  I really do love gay men.

As I look back at the past three years, I stand in amazement at what was actually accomplished.  From a random collection of ideas, individual conversations with hundreds of men, and a very small amount of initial support, we created ELEMENT.  The first two years were a bit rough.  There were multiple opportunities to simply give up and walk away.  Organizational priorities and my personal need to be useful resulted in having my attention completely diverted from the project for at least an entire year.  During this time, I was playing a key role in developing our host organization and wrote at least a dozen grant applications, filling their coffers at the expense of local gay men.  In fact, if Corey hadn't come on board, there would have been no ELEMENT.

Last April proved to be pivotal.  After months of frustration and anger, it was clear that ELEMENT either needed to be built as designed or it needed to die on the vine.  In May, we found a mess of a basement that later became our studio.  In June, we formally launched ELEMENT.  We moved into our studio in July and quickly transformed the refinished basement into the beautiful and inviting space that it is today.  Alan also joined the crew in July.  In August, we set the pace for ELEMENT by hosting a community play date at Cheesman Park and then our Grand Housewarming Open House.  Michael came on board in August. Then we began programming.  In October we hosted Touchstone, a leadership retreat where we seated our steering committee and developed our mission, vision and purpose statements.  J began volunteering in October and joined the crew in January.  By any measure, this was a Herculean effort that captured the imagination of our community.  In truth, ELEMENT was launched nearly overnight and was a successful program.  I hope that its new direction and new values will take it far.  As the architect of ELEMENT, I am concerned that it may be set up to fail as it moves forward and finds its way.  And this makes me sad.

And while ELEMENT takes it's road, I must take my own.  I know that a fire burns within me and that my heart is bursting with new thoughts and ideas about gay men and what would make a difference.  When I close my eyes, I am flooded with the possibilities I see for my community.  I'm not sure what will come next, but I promise you it'll be grand in scale.   Stay tuned for more.  As Reverend Deborah would say, pain pushes until vision pulls.  I'm complete with my pain and stand firmly in vision.  I am thankful to know that the fire still burns!  Watch me now.