What's interesting about the restraining order is the underlying assumptions that it must rely on. The first is that people--even people whom I'd believed to know me well--have to buy in to the notion that I'm physically threatening or a bit off kilter. The truth is that none of the accusations in the protection order are factually correct. Okay, let's tell the truth and call them lies. But unfortunately, this is not the first time folks have feigned fear of me. It's a cheap card to throw onto the table. I outright reject this tactic as it feeds on an underlying assumption that black men are scary and innately threatening. And having been victim of two hate crimes, I get the personal safety issue. Being fearful of one's safety undermines the psyche in profound ways. So let me take this opportunity to be as clear as I can: I am not a physical threat to anyone.
I also find it interesting that those who are passionate for causes are often met with suspicion or fear. The beauty of getting old is that I've earned to right to be passionate and I'm not too concerned about what people think about it. Looking back over the past 20 years, I see clearly what lies just under the surface of my passion: it's real life experiences and the real people who have touched my own life.
In 1982 I ended my relatively short relationship with the U.S. Army and headed immediately to San Francisco. Within two months of my arrival, the startling headlines declaring the new Gay Cancer shook the entire city to its core. I remember the public meetings with folks from the CDC. At yet another meeting Diane Feinstein called for the closure of all bathhouses in San Francisco. I, like many, was shocked and fearful. But I did nothing. I later fell in with a group of evangelicals from SOS Ministries and shortly thereafter began preaching. Even though I had known a handful of people who had died (my friend Daryl was the first taken by GRID), my emotional connection to the raging epidemic was that of the observer. Even when it hit close to home, I focused my gaze elsewhere. Instead of staying in fear, I became overly impressed and concerned about the drag queens and lesbians who were providing round-the-clock care to my gay brothers who were unknown to me, but no less my brothers. At the time, it was just about as much as a damn as I could give.
My own brother passed away in 1987 after a string of complications related to his life-long struggle with diabetes. Darrell was three years my senior and my only brother. At the time, I was a student at California Baptist College in Riverside, California. My dear friend and occasional lover, Tim, introduced me to Tammy. Shortly after my brother's death, she became my wife. And life was good. I was relatively active in ministry, having served as youth minister at First Missionary Baptist Church. But the truth of my own truth could not contain itself. After only 13 months, the facade of our relationship became too much to bear. We separated, and our legal union lasted two years and one day.
Shortly after our separation, I met Glenn LaValley. When I asked the bartender at The Skylark (San Bernardino's only gay bar) who he was, I was told that I didn't want to know him because he had AIDS. This was the beginning of my AIDS activism and my career as a HIV preventionist. After Glenn's death, I wanted to get involved and help make an impact on the epidemic. Walking into the Inland AIDS Project to volunteer, I was asked if I was interested in a job. Dave Vandevert, the director of education, said that he was impressed by my passion and my love for gay men. What I am most proud of over these past twenty years is that I remain as passionate and my love and commitment to the wellbeing of gay men has only increased. I'm not angry. But there is a passion that burns deep within me that is not given by man. For me, its a high calling. ELEMENT was the culmination of over two decades committed to loving gay men. It was my stamp on the ideas of personal ministry and pastoral care.
Am I saddened and angry that some wish to strip-mine ELEMENT and its resources to feed their own insecurities? Of course I am. Knowing the facts, you would be too. I've coped with the feelings of loss, betrayal and anger by seeking solace in my own faith. I choose to return to love rather than feeding on my own anger. To simply focus on being angry only creates more anger. And to those who have conspired and colluded to undermine our work at ELEMENT and me as a community leader, don't fear for your physical safety. There is no corner of my heart where I wish to harm you. Shortly, all the claims that I have made will be set before the appropriate entities with jurisdiction. It will be for them to decide what is correct and what is not. Sunlight is the best disinfectant and I trust that these structures for redress will work as designed.
As for the restraining order, its just more of the same bad drama. Fortunately, I'm not dancing to that music anymore. So, until all matters are resolved, I will continue to restrain myself.
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