Turning Fear into Power

Yesterday afternoon, I allowed myself to sit in an interesting place.  As I was thinking about all the moving parts of my life, I noticed that fear kept coming up.  Now, I am not a fearful person and don't often allow myself to sit with fear.  After all, I was raised with the understanding that God has not given us a spirit of fear.  This is not to suggest that I'm fearless, because I'm not.  I just don't like to give fear rent-free passage in my head.  During the Landmark Forum, there is an exercise when you get present to fear.  I struggled to find a memory where fear was so present that I could recall it all these years later.  But what I got present to yesterday is that fear is very real in my world.  But what the heck am I fearful of?  It was an interesting place of inquiry to simply be with.

As I sat in my practice this morning, I was led to read from The Sacred Yes.  I opened the book to a letter related to authenticity.  "You must be naked to find yourself, to see yourself in me," the letter read.  Being naked?  Finding myself in God rather than finding God in me?  Hmmm.  As I read, I was present to the many struggles I've had in life.  Not judging them as good or bad, I am clear that these struggles had little to  do with what I perceived to be going on in the moment.  These struggles, almost without exception, provided new openings for authenticity to be present.  In some cases, these experiences have called forth authenticity.  These are the highlights.  But, if I'm truly honest, mostly what has emerged has been compliance and conformity.  But as Reverend Deborah would remind me, we all express at the level of our own consciousness.

Growing up as a young Black child, it was not uncommon for me to accept the verdicts of others in my own life.  It was my mother who encouraged us to have our own thoughts.  I remember once when she told me that I need to know what I know for myself.  If I didn't, she told me, others would be happy to tell me what I think or what I know.  By thinking for myself, I would always be my own man.  At the same time, it was not uncommon to be derided by others for holding onto my own perspectives.  Even now, I can hear the taunting voices in my head that ask "who do you think you are to start something new?" "Oh, you just need to get over it and move on."  "Yeah, right.  That was just a fluke. You'll never get people to support a new non-profit."  These voices live in my head and echo from my childhood.  But they are nowhere close to what the gentle voice in my heart is telling me.

You play ignorant as if you do not know what to do.  Just because you have never experienced something before does not mean that you cannot imagine what it would be like.  The process of imagining is not about creating fantasies in your head; it is for the purpose of moving your attention to the possibility of it all.  It is about enabling you to see from another perspective.  If you are too afraid to imagine something other that what you have experienced as true in the past, then you have set your own upper limit for your future.      ( from The Sacred Yes)


I am happy that I've sat with my own fear.  I realize that I'm not afraid of trying to do something.  I've made a career of that.  I was afraid of what others would think.  I became afraid of the resulting narrative.  From the past, it is much safer to go along to get along.  Don't call unnecessary attention to yourself.  Nobody likes a show off.  Get over yourself.  I realize that I am free to listen to these voices.

I am creating my life as a life of my own choosing.  If I were playing rigorously, like I was really in it to win it, I would recognize these voices for what they are: limitations.  But I know that there is something larger, much more profound, that is waiting to be birthed.  I am willing to be used in accordance to a big vision.  In fact, it's exactly what I used to pray for as a young preacher.  Now that I've sat with my own fear, all that there is to say is 'thank you for sharing.'  I'm choosing something different.

This endeavor might just fail.  But that's okay.  At least I will have failed in pursuit of something rather than failing by giving in to the voice of fear.  Besides, it's in my heart to try.  And I've not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, peace and a sound mind.

And so it is, and so it shall be.  Amen.