Over the past few days I've become crystal clear that our ability to move on, Damon and I, is directly linked to our ability to forgive. In so many ways this is the most difficult thing that I've ever felt called to do. After all, what I am supposed to do with the deep hurt and betrayal? How do I cope with the deep emotional scar of having something so dear to me ripped away in such as cruel manner? Something that was my own creation. Make no mistake about it; my ouster from ELEMENT was meant to hurt. I was meant to be humiliated and put in my place. It is no accident that there is a cloud over my name and suspicion spread about my leadership and management of ELEMENT. All the while hiding behind personnel issues to avoid having to address specific allegations. Its almost brilliant, except it provides no convincing explanation. And no matter how many times a lie is told, it still a lie. Time with reveal what's true and what's not.
If we are truly being fair-minded, and if there were legitimate concerns, wasn't there a point when I might have been informed of them and allowed to correct any deficiencies? And how fantastic must these claims have been that it was necessary to plot and scheme while I was out of town visiting my mother and changing the locks during the night? Why was it necessary to enlist (or be enlisted by) a subordinate to undermine my leadership from within the program and undermine me personally in the community? A six-hour meeting to explain my removal isn't an explanation, it's trying to convince others of a point of view. Consider it to be having a retrospective trial where there is no defense allowed. Most people would think this unfair. Consider the level of personalization and the profound hostility evident at all levels of these events. It is reasonable to think that there may be more to these things than meets the eye. This is much deeper.... and it's profoundly personal.
I just don't get it and I've made peace with that fact. In fact, it is folly to try to understand the incomprehensible. I will never understand what makes one person desire to humiliate or bully another. I will never be able to wrap my mind around such total betrayal of friendship. What motivates another to respond to love and respect with such... I can't even think of a word to describe it. During my quiet time this week, I was reminded of King David. He writes in the Psalms about being betrayed. While I don't have chapter and verse, the text says "if anyone else had done this thing, I could have borne it. But you, you were my brother. We worshipped in the temple together..." Betrayal by a friend is an unspeakable hurt. And the impacts are truly too numerous to even imagine. And, even given all the high drama, subterfuge, and palace intrigue, it all is simply written off as a personnel issue. But in honesty, this was engineered to have a profound impact on every area of my life. It was meant for my destruction. And good people remain silent and just allow this to be. So much for our work of supporting authentic and loving communities of men. No, I will never understand all of this and I've made peace with that. I accept all that has happened and I'm determined to emerge a better person.
I am a person of faith, perhaps more now than at any point in my life. I know that bitterness and resentment come easy in the wake of all that has happened. As my mother would say, bitterness requires nothing of me. And I've spent more than my share of time wallowing in the pain and being justified in my anger. That time has now passed. These seeds of resentment can find no place in the fertile soil of my heart. To focus on the pain only creates more pain. I can see the emotional toil that this is taking on both Damon and I. What you think about you bring about. What you appreciate appreciates. It's no wonder that keeping our focus on the injustice of what happened will only keep us stuck. In fact, its a spiritual principle. The Universe makes no distinctions when responding to the intent of our hearts. It just responds with more of what we put out there. I am quite clear of the impact of unforgiveness on the soul and how it ripples out into every area of life. There is no safe place to store the hurt and the indignation. There is no container in our hearts or minds that is strong enough to store all of the negative emotions so that they will not seep out into other areas of our lives. The only way to freedom is forgiveness.
Now I'm not an expert on the subject of forgiveness and that my point of view on the subject may not meet universal agreement. But these are my truths that have liberated my soul in my hours of darkness.
Most often, we have it that forgiveness is something that we do to or for the other person. In language, we say things like "you must forgive him" or we ask for people to forgive us when we've done something hurtful. But this verbal shorthand would have us believe that forgiveness is directed outward, toward another person. But in my view, forgiveness is an internal process that has very little to do with the other person. I can offer forgiveness and never again be in relationship with the other person involved. Forgiveness is an inside job. And there is no external thing that can make this happen for us. The other person doesn't have to be deserving. We don't have to profess our forgiveness. Nor do we have to go through artificial processes or rituals to bring forgiveness to a situation. Forgiveness can only come from a heart that is ready to once again be free.
I forgive because I know that the seed of resentment is cancerous to my soul and its spread will destroy who I've known myself to be. I am reminded in this moment of Reverend Deborah and can hear her voice clearly in my head. "Pain pushes until vision pulls." I am ready to be pulled into vision. Forgiveness, in the spiritual sense, is to be free from the impact of the offense. I don't have the power to forgive or absolve anyone for what they have done. That can only come from God. But when I am stuck in the impact, I litigate the points of the offense again and again. What I get from all of this is the privilege of being right. But it still has me stuck. And as long as I stay stuck, I am separated from my good. Possibility is out of my reach and abundance is a far-off concept. The cancer of unforgiveness must be treated and removed to prevent its spread. And that time, for me, is now.
I allow myself to be free of the impacts of all that has happened. I stand in my greater yet to be with appreciation and gratitude. I no longer litigate what happened and who did what. Thankfully, that will be left to those who are much wiser and more objective than I. I know that nothing was done to me, in the truest sense, because who I am is a divinely inspired idea. I am perfect, whole and complete. I am intact. And I am released from the impact and the pain. I claim my freedom. Thank God!
What I know is this: these thoughts will come up again and I will be, for a moment, in the impact of it all. But I know that those feelings and thoughts are only an invitation to once again release myself from the net of hurt and to again choose to be free. I will simply choose it. No longer am I content to stand on the sidelines of my own life, wallowing in sorrow and sadness. Instead I step out powerfully because I know who I am and what I'm up to in this life. I am in this game to win it. And carrying the burden of unforgiveness is just something that I am unwilling to do. This is who I am and this is what I'm about. Any any other story is just that, a story.
The only person with the power to change me is me. I refuse to be chained by the actions of others. My soul is unyielding and my heart is enlarged. I emerge stronger and wiser; ready to climb the next mountain that enthusiasm and optimism; because that's how I roll.
So I say now, that it all within me that needs to be forgiven or needs forgiveness, is blessed and released.
I am no longer enslaved. I am free.
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